Yesterday, I lashed out at Big.
It was so stupid. I said things I didn't mean. And all over a bottle of shampoo.
So it went like this:
I'm pretty vain about my hair. My budget has always been pretty tight. I lived in poverty and was homeless for the majority of my early adulthood. So I've never really been able to buy expensive shampoo/conditioner systems, which meant I always bought the thing that damaged my hair least for the lowest price.
And then, we found ourselves in a position to splurge a little on shampoo and conditioner, and my search for the perfect system began.
A couple months ago, I found it. Well, okay. I found one that is relatively good—definitely better than any shampoo and conditioner I've used before—and I can comfortably buy it without feeling like a complete jackass for how much I'm spending on haircare.
I know...I know. There is nothing wrong with splurging on things that make you feel good about yourself. But my once-poor self is so traumatized by things like spending $0.30 more on shampoo meaning she had to skip a meal or two that my $14 (total) shampoo and conditioner feels like an egregious sin. It took me a really long time to convince myself the world wasn't going to end if I spent that much on shampoo and conditioner, and I only started doing it after a whole bunch of people I knew told me they did it, and I still want to vomit when I start to dissect it because omg I'm spending $14 on shampoo and conditioner.
So there was a lot involved in me finding this shampoo and conditioner and being comfortable spending the money on it. I'm pretty attached to it. I'm starting to suspect there are better haircare systems out there, but I don't want to change shampoos because this shampoo is the one!
But literally nowhere near us sells it. I picked it up on a whim, one day, when we'd stopped into one of the Walmarts near us (all of which are between 45 minutes and 1.5 hours away) for something else, and then found out that the stores closer to us carry the entire line...except the series I use. The closest Walmart that carries it is a 45 minute drive away. And when you can get everything you need 15-20 minutes away, and your car is a piece of shit, 45 minutes seems like a really far distance to drive for shampoo.
But Big told me he'd take me and then didn't.
Oh, did I not mention that I don't drive?
I hate driving. I'm terrified of it. Within a year of getting my license, I had been involved in (and most likely caused) three accidents. My license expired, and for reasons I'm not going to go into here, I never renewed it.
And then I met Big, and we lived in the city, and if I had to, I could walk or take public transit most places. But now that we live in the country, and our closest friend is 20 minutes (or so) away and has a family that we don't want to take him away from, I really need to learn to drive again and get my license. If only so that I can drive when Big doesn't feel like it, but also so that we don't have to ask our friend to drive us to and from, say, dentist appointments, or whatever other thing might leave Big incapacitated.
But I haven't, yet. Mostly because our car is a piece of shit and Big doesn't want me (an inexperienced driver) driving it until he can get some of the repairs done. Which I'm okay with because I don't want me driving it until he can get some of the repairs done. So Big still has to drive me places.
And it's not like he just doesn't want to take me to Walmart for shampoo. I mean, he doesn't, but the few times we've been near one, we've had a specific purpose and were in a hurry for reasons beyond our control, like an impending snow storm, or a work appointment, or whatever. And, like I said, 45 minutes is a long way to drive in a piece of shit car for shampoo.
But I have borderline personality disorder and anxiety, and I'm in the depths of PMS getting ready to bleed, and because I lived in poverty for all of my early adulthood, and because my ex kept me from making my own money, and denied me things I needed to exhibit his control over me, I still lose my shit when I can't get the things I need because of circumstances beyond my control.
And it's beyond frustrating that I'm so self aware that I can say that when I'm not in the process of losing my shit, but I can't make that stick in my head when I'm losing my shit. A person should be able to recognize when they're being irrational, shouldn't they?
So finally, after listening to me yell, and sitting through me telling him he doesn't give a shit about my needs, Big said, "Lil, just order it."
...
Seriously, why didn't I think of that before I lost my shit?
I apologized, and we made up. and things are fine now. I'm still mad at myself for losing my shit over shampoo, but whatever.
And then...today...
So I go to Walmart.com because FOR SURE they have it because that's where I got it in the first place, right? HahahahahahaHA!
They do, in fact, have it. The product page says, "free 2 day shipping! Ships from Walmart." I didn't push the price over the $35 minimum, so I was going to have to pay $6 shipping for them to ship everything I wanted to me. No big. But then I go to checkout, and it tells me that they won't ship it. I have to go to the Walmart that's 45 minutes away to get it.
~cries~
So I try Amazon, and they won't ship it to me because together, the shampoo and conditioner costs less than $25, so if I want it, I have to wait till I have a purchase more than $25.
~bangs head on desk~
I check a few other places, and they don't have the other products in the line that I wanted.
So I lost my shit again.
It's okay, though. It's fine. Everything's fine. I'm just not going to wash my hair for the next nine days (even though I can't remember when the last time I washed my hair was), and order DevaCurl on payday.
Which means they'll probably close up shop within the next six months. Because that's how my life goes. How about yours?
It was so stupid. I said things I didn't mean. And all over a bottle of shampoo.
So it went like this:
I'm pretty vain about my hair. My budget has always been pretty tight. I lived in poverty and was homeless for the majority of my early adulthood. So I've never really been able to buy expensive shampoo/conditioner systems, which meant I always bought the thing that damaged my hair least for the lowest price.
And then, we found ourselves in a position to splurge a little on shampoo and conditioner, and my search for the perfect system began.
A couple months ago, I found it. Well, okay. I found one that is relatively good—definitely better than any shampoo and conditioner I've used before—and I can comfortably buy it without feeling like a complete jackass for how much I'm spending on haircare.
I know...I know. There is nothing wrong with splurging on things that make you feel good about yourself. But my once-poor self is so traumatized by things like spending $0.30 more on shampoo meaning she had to skip a meal or two that my $14 (total) shampoo and conditioner feels like an egregious sin. It took me a really long time to convince myself the world wasn't going to end if I spent that much on shampoo and conditioner, and I only started doing it after a whole bunch of people I knew told me they did it, and I still want to vomit when I start to dissect it because omg I'm spending $14 on shampoo and conditioner.
So there was a lot involved in me finding this shampoo and conditioner and being comfortable spending the money on it. I'm pretty attached to it. I'm starting to suspect there are better haircare systems out there, but I don't want to change shampoos because this shampoo is the one!
But literally nowhere near us sells it. I picked it up on a whim, one day, when we'd stopped into one of the Walmarts near us (all of which are between 45 minutes and 1.5 hours away) for something else, and then found out that the stores closer to us carry the entire line...except the series I use. The closest Walmart that carries it is a 45 minute drive away. And when you can get everything you need 15-20 minutes away, and your car is a piece of shit, 45 minutes seems like a really far distance to drive for shampoo.
But Big told me he'd take me and then didn't.
Oh, did I not mention that I don't drive?
I hate driving. I'm terrified of it. Within a year of getting my license, I had been involved in (and most likely caused) three accidents. My license expired, and for reasons I'm not going to go into here, I never renewed it.
And then I met Big, and we lived in the city, and if I had to, I could walk or take public transit most places. But now that we live in the country, and our closest friend is 20 minutes (or so) away and has a family that we don't want to take him away from, I really need to learn to drive again and get my license. If only so that I can drive when Big doesn't feel like it, but also so that we don't have to ask our friend to drive us to and from, say, dentist appointments, or whatever other thing might leave Big incapacitated.
But I haven't, yet. Mostly because our car is a piece of shit and Big doesn't want me (an inexperienced driver) driving it until he can get some of the repairs done. Which I'm okay with because I don't want me driving it until he can get some of the repairs done. So Big still has to drive me places.
And it's not like he just doesn't want to take me to Walmart for shampoo. I mean, he doesn't, but the few times we've been near one, we've had a specific purpose and were in a hurry for reasons beyond our control, like an impending snow storm, or a work appointment, or whatever. And, like I said, 45 minutes is a long way to drive in a piece of shit car for shampoo.
But I have borderline personality disorder and anxiety, and I'm in the depths of PMS getting ready to bleed, and because I lived in poverty for all of my early adulthood, and because my ex kept me from making my own money, and denied me things I needed to exhibit his control over me, I still lose my shit when I can't get the things I need because of circumstances beyond my control.
And it's beyond frustrating that I'm so self aware that I can say that when I'm not in the process of losing my shit, but I can't make that stick in my head when I'm losing my shit. A person should be able to recognize when they're being irrational, shouldn't they?
So finally, after listening to me yell, and sitting through me telling him he doesn't give a shit about my needs, Big said, "Lil, just order it."
...
Seriously, why didn't I think of that before I lost my shit?
I apologized, and we made up. and things are fine now. I'm still mad at myself for losing my shit over shampoo, but whatever.
And then...today...
So I go to Walmart.com because FOR SURE they have it because that's where I got it in the first place, right? HahahahahahaHA!
They do, in fact, have it. The product page says, "free 2 day shipping! Ships from Walmart." I didn't push the price over the $35 minimum, so I was going to have to pay $6 shipping for them to ship everything I wanted to me. No big. But then I go to checkout, and it tells me that they won't ship it. I have to go to the Walmart that's 45 minutes away to get it.
~cries~
So I try Amazon, and they won't ship it to me because together, the shampoo and conditioner costs less than $25, so if I want it, I have to wait till I have a purchase more than $25.
~bangs head on desk~
I check a few other places, and they don't have the other products in the line that I wanted.
So I lost my shit again.
It's okay, though. It's fine. Everything's fine. I'm just not going to wash my hair for the next nine days (even though I can't remember when the last time I washed my hair was), and order DevaCurl on payday.
Which means they'll probably close up shop within the next six months. Because that's how my life goes. How about yours?
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