On Taking His Name

Jesse & Terry | Vanessa Porter
So yesterday, I was scrolling through Twitter while I was...indisposed, like you do, and I came across a thread about women taking their husbands' last names.
Taking Big's last name was never a question. I was adopted by my cousin and her husband, and they changed my last name when the adoption was finalized when I was about 6 years old, so name changes were never a big thing for me. They were just something you did when your old name didn't fit anymore. For me, my old name didn't fit anymore. I was married to Big, and Big's last name felt more me than my own, so I took it.

But that's not always the case for other women. Some are very attached to their family name, for whatever reason. Some don't like the implication that taking their husband's name means he's "the boss" or "wears the pants" or whatever. Some just don't want to change their name.

Many in that thread mentioned the fact that a woman taking her husband's last name goes back to the days when married women (and the subsequent children) were literally owned property. They called the practice antiquated and misogynist and asked why any woman would want to take her husband's last name.

And, ya know, to each their own. It is an antiquated practice that isn't even a thing in most places in the world.





Curiosity isn't a bad thing, and the original tweet prompted a discussion that taught me (and other people, I imagine) a lot about marriage traditions, so I was cool with it. But then the op said this:
And I heard that record scratch thing they do on TV when someone says or does something crazy.

First of all, why is it okay for a man to "carry the authority" of their household, but not a woman? Especially if that's what works for that individual couple.

I mean, maybe that's not what she meant, but if a woman keeping her last name is carrying the authority of their household into the marriage, logically that means that a woman taking her husband's last name gives him authority over their household.

Now, don't get me wrong. If that's the way you like it, that's fine. My brand of feminism is about equality and giving everyone the right to choose their own destiny as long as it has minimal interference in someone else's. Let's be real, here, and admit that many of our choices affect other people, whether we mean for them to or not, and sometimes those effects are negative despite our best intentions. So minimal interference, I think, is a good target to aim for.

And if I'm to be honest, I have to admit that that's the way I like it. Big makes the final decision in most things, and I'm okay with that, because in most cases, I really couldn't care less. I mean, I sometimes have a preference, but I'm good at rolling with the punches, so in the long run, I'm okay with whatever as long as it doesn't blow up in our faces.

Big, on the other hand, is not. He needs to be able to do things his way and be in control of things because it helps him avoid panic attacks and depression. So I let him have that. Most of the time, we agree anyway, and it doesn't hurt me a bit to let him be the decider. And besides, I like it when he's all, "This is the way it's gonna be." 😉

But that's not for everyone. And to suggest that every woman should live that way because...I don't know. Culture? Tradition? The Bible tells us so? Ffs.

Live your life how you want to. A truly merciful and loving god will understand.

Somewhere in the thread, the conversation turned to the price of an engagement ring and wedding, and some dude said this:
And my eyes rolled all the way back in my head.

Are you fucking serious, dude?

Later, he asked if a woman would want something in return if she'd bought her man something that costs $10k.

And really, please don't get married. At least, not any time soon. Because a) if you think that buying a woman an engagement ring gives you ownership over her, you might want to get that checked, and b) if you're keeping score of who spent what on whom, you're way too immature for marriage.

Marriage isn't about any of that. It's about loving someone so much that you'll do anything for them, and stare obstacles in the face while holding their hand.

I guess that's all I've got to say about that. 💜

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