Reset

Reset Button | Thomas Au

So okay. Monthly goals clearly was not working.

And I'm sitting here like, "Duh? Girl, you spent a year and a half going in and out of mental health wards and rehabs and you never internalized 'one day at a time'? Wtf is the matter with you?"

Do people say 'duh,' anymore? Oh well. I guess I do.

Let's start at the very beginning. A very good place to start. When you read, you begin with...

I love that movie.

The beginning is figuring out what I want to accomplish. Where do I want to go?

This has been hard for me, lately. Big asks me all the time, "Do you still even want to write?" Because I don't write often. Hell, it's been a while since I've written anything but a blog post. And I don't even do that very much.

The thing is I do still want to write. But I always find myself avoiding it. And I don't really know why. I've said it's impostor syndrome, but is it? Or is it that whole lack of motivation thing I've got going on (still)? I have all sorts of ideas, but I'm not writing any of them. Bleh.

What I want to do is knit. Lots. Pretty blankets and light sweaters and scarves and hats and mittens. I want to sell some and donate some. But we really can't afford the yarn right now. I mean, acrylic we could afford, but I want to use nicer stuff.

And I've got a bunch of acrylic yarn, and I'm just about finished with my rainbow scarf, and I'm not knitting.

I blame Big. He's the one who introduced us to ARK and I've gone so deep down the ARK rabbit hole. Which has been so much fun, but I'm not doing much else beyond the barest minimum so I can go play more ARK (even when he's not playing because he's working, or whatever) and that's really not the best thing in the world.

I'm not really exercising at all outside of housework and climbing the stairs twenty times a day to go to the bathroom or get a drink. Every time I climb those stairs, I'm happier that the office is upstairs. Imagine if it was right next to the bathroom and the kitchen. Oi.

So I'm resetting. Starting at the beginning. Taking it day by day.

I set goals for myself yesterday, and I got them all done, except one that I got half done. I've set goals for myself today, and I've finished most of them. The laundry might not get finished. I had more than I realized. And I plan to get that last one from yesterday finished.

I probably could have gotten more done today, but the boy cat was up vomiting all night, which means I was up with him. He keeps eating things off the floor. It started with him snarfing up all the ants and spiders we get when the snow melts, but when it started to snow, and the bugs stopped coming in, he just kept floor foraging. He spends half his day walking around the house, nose to floor, looking for bits of whatever to eat.

There's no reason for it. Despite the recommendation to feed cats at meal times, and not leave food down all the time, I do. I tried to do meal times and they were miserable, and I'm a sucker, so I went back to leaving food out for them.

I'm assuming the floor foraging is why he was sick. I'm keeping him on watch for now to make sure he's eating and keeping food down, and if he keeps getting sick, I'm going to have to try to find a vet who will see him and bill me because we're broke till Big gets paid. So far, he's been fine. He ate voraciously at breakfast (I give them canned food at breakfast and leave dry out for them during the day), and so far, he hasn't been sick. He's been sleeping all day, but he was up all night, so that's not really surprising.

In the meantime, I'm going to have to be more vigilant about vacuuming and sweeping so there's nothing on the floor for him to eat. I probably don't do it enough, anyway. Sweeping and vacuuming is on my goal list for today.

I am still sort of thumbing my nose at the 'one day at a time' philosophy and giving myself one hard goal and one soft goal for the week. The hard goal is a meal plan for the next two weeks starting on the 15th. It needs to be relatively clean eating most days, but Big and I have agreed to keep a cheat day because that's what worked for us the last time we did this.

This. "This" is getting healthy. Part of that is creating healthy habits, like better eating habits, better time management, and more exercise.

The meal plan is a hard goal because we go grocery shopping this weekend, and I need to make a list so I'm not just wandering the aisles with no clue what to buy.

The soft goal is figuring out what the fuck I want to be doing with my days besides cleaning the house and playing video games. It's soft because I know that that might take more than a week.

So this is the direction I'm going for now. And if this doesn't work, I'll take a step back, reexamine my desires and priorities again, and figure out another approach. I mean, the only thing you can do is keep going, ya know?

💜