I did.

So.

We all know I have trouble with making and achieving goals. I am the queen of underachievement.

I think that some of this is because of the way I was raised.

Growing up, I got the idea that how things looked and what people thought of you were the most important things in the world. If you aren't pleasing other people, you're not worth much.

I don't think my parents meant to raise me that way, but when you tell kids they can't have their less fortunate friends over to spend the night because people might get the wrong idea, or make them dress a certain way because they should look your definition of respectable, or tell girls they can't go places with only boys because what would the neighbors think, or whatever, that's the impression they get. Other people's opinions of them are more important than who they really are.

Growing up, achievements and good behavior were always rewarded in some way. A ribbon or trophy, a prize (a toy, ice cream, whatever) from Mom and Dad, $5 for each A on my report card from my aunt, allowance (which was always attached to whether or not I completed all my chores, listened to my parents, etc.)...I could go on, but I think you get the picture. While I enjoyed most of the things I was doing, there wasn't really anything I was doing because I wanted to make myself happy. It was always for recognition from others.

And then, in high school, things started to get harder, my achievements became fewer and farther between, my parents started to get busier.

My aunt started to become more crazy, and I stopped hearing from her, so there was no more money for good grades.

I got an allowance in 9th, but in 10th, I got grounded for months over my grades, and since Dad was always telling me, "with privilege comes responsibility," and I had no privileges, I stopped bothering with the household chores, so I lost my allowance. (I could be wrong about the timeframe. It was 20ish years ago!)

My social anxiety coupled with emotional abuse from my boyfriend made extracurricular activities impossible, so the only achievements I was acquiring were school related, but when I did bring home good grades, nobody seemed to care anymore. It was like, okay, kid, we've seen this trick. Do something new.

And here I was, an emotionally underdeveloped teenager, in an abusive relationship where my wants and needs were completely ignored, raised to seek validation from others, and getting none from anyone for anything.

I wanted to die.

No. I wanted to cease existing. I wanted my entire existence to be wiped from the planet. It wasn't worth anything, anyway, so just wink it out. Poof. No more Lil.

And I didn't have any motivation to do anything about it. Because why should I? The only thing in the world that mattered is my worth to other people, and to other people, I was worthless.

As an adult, I continued to seek validation in others to find validation within myself.

I pretended I didn't. The number of times I said some variation of, "Like I give a fuck what other people think of me," while actually really, really caring what other people thought of me is obscene.

When I got that job as Editor in Chief, I was on top of the world. Until I realized my boss was the emotionally abusive prick everyone said he was, and I didn't really get the job because he thought I would be good at it. He gave it to me because he assumed (rightly) that I would do with it what he wanted me to to make him happy.

I hate saying this out loud. I hate that he might one day read it and receive some sort of twisted pleasure from knowing that he'd caused me an existential crisis of monumental proportions. But he did.

When I lost that job, something in me broke. I began to second guess everything about myself. I had no idea how much weight of my own worth I'd put on that stupid job that I was never meant to succeed at in the first place. At least, not the way I'd thought.

And that's where my addiction to social media comes in. More validation seeking by way of sharing my thoughts with the world and hoping someone likes them, or agrees with them, or learns something from them.

Jesus, am I a narcissist?

Anyway...

I have gotten into the habit of telling myself that I've gotten nothing done in a day because I don't have a "real" job, and my house isn't spotless. I mean, someone without a "real" job should have a spotless house, right? What else are they doing all day?

I don't take into consideration any of the things I do literally every day even when I don't want to, or the amount of time it takes to do them. I don't take into consideration any of the things I do only for myself because they don't really count if they're just for me, right? I chastise myself for sitting at the computer all day, even if I've been writing or editing the whole time. I tell myself, "all I do is sit on Twitter and watch videos/TVshows/etc," even when I've tweeted maybe 5 times that day, and I only watched a video during lunch. I literally forget all the chores I do without even thinking about them because there's too much paper on the kitchen table, or I haven't vacuumed the office in a week, or whatever.

Like, Jesus fuck, woman, cut yourself some slack.

A few months ago, people were talking about making themselves "I did" lists instead of "to do" lists so they can see what they actually do in a day. Despite realizing that I need to figure out how to see worth in myself and the things I do, and despite recognizing that I need to figure out how to motivate myself so I can actually accomplish the things I want to accomplish, and despite the fact that "I did" lists sound like an amazing way to validate myself to myself, I have resisted trying it. Guess why.

Because even now, as I'm writing this, I am telling myself that if I start doing "I did" lists, I'm going to find out that I actually do nothing but sit on Twitter and watch videos all day, and I am, essentially, worthless.

But like, even if I find out that most of what I do is sit on Twitter and watch videos, it's not the end of the world. It's an opportunity to begin doing a better job of living my life. Right? Right.

So...I'm looking for the best way to start working on "I did" lists. Which is really just me procrastinating because I'm afraid of making "I did" lists. Round and round and round we go. There's got to be an app, right?

Hope you're doing well.

💜